What a hectic past three weeks! Suddenly I found myself thrust into all these social events and networks — meeting new people, attending dinners, organizing field trips, building online communities. It’s been one activity after another and with different groups.

It’s been a 6 days since my last outing and I am still recuperating.

Though it was fun! Seeing how I participated in them (read: I have a habit of volunteering for everything), I’m in it for the long haul.

Hmm, maybe I should throw a debut party to officially launch this new social life. Ha!

The statement stunned me for a moment. I honestly had never thought of myself in those terms. At least, not in the sense that these facets were barriers to success that I had to overcome. This is why I don’t attend parties.

I spent thirteen formative years at a private all-girls Chinese school in the Philippines. It is only now that I realize the tremendous impact on my outlook and my life the experience had given me.

The Immaculate Conception Academy was one of the top schools in the country. The education I received there was, truth be told, nothing special, indeed subpar to what my American counterpart received in the US public school system. What made ICA schooling valuable was the promise that its girls would grow up with others who shared similar values and turn into the leaders of tomorrow’s business world.

It was interesting that you couldn’t divide the class in any stereotypical manner — we were all the same, Chinese girls. In the classroom there was none of the sexual discrimination that pervaded the rest of society and our cultural heritage. The biases that existed outside were tempered by the fact that at school, we retained a single identifier — students. As we developed our minds, we had the unique opportunity to build our own identities, unhindered by insecurities of gender and race.

Of course, I do not advocate homogeneous classrooms for they are less able to teach tolerance, social skills and out of the box thinking, among other things. I am merely pointing out the benefits that did arise from the mold that my contemporaries and I were formed in.

My classmates and I had parents who shared the same stories. They started from nothing, immigrants in a country that did not speak their language, slowly building tiny corner shops into large successful companies over decades of hard work, determination and single-minded focus to provide a better life for their families. And so forth. There was the expectation to honor then surpass their achievements.

It never occurs to the ICA graduate that her opinion could be discounted by others because she is a woman. She may have heard of this dreaded “glass ceiling” but has never seen it. She has no doubt that if she goes for what she wants in life, she will achieve her dreams.

This is what I value most of our upbringing: it effectively instilled a sense of entitlement. I mean this in the old meaning of the word, before it was used to describe the current generation of narcissistic trophy children. We were entitled to great things not simply because we said we wanted them, but because we knew we could get them through our own abilities. This was a group of achievers who demanded the best of themselves and not only for themselves.

There is something to be said about the prevailing culture that rewards mediocrity. Children are trained to expect immediate gratification for work. Motivation is found outside the self, measured in gifts, celebrations and recognition. When every small gesture earns lavish praise, the incentive to perform needs rise in proportion to the amount of effort required.

True self esteem comes from within, from the satisfaction of knowing one’s abilities and potential to achieve unimaginable things. It enables the person to go forth where no one else has gone before, to aim higher, past the point that external rewards can promise.

I wonder if the ICAns graduating this year are getting the same education I did. No longer the children of builders but the offspring of the born wealthy, are they still being taught that hard work and ambition trump pedigree? Or do they get thanked just for handing homework in on time?

I sincerely hope it is the former, though I doubt it is so. It is thus imperative that parents take an active role instilling in their young girls, not only the chutzpah to ignore the gender and racial biases of their culture, but also the self-worth and internal drive to aim for the best because they can.

Love
K and I have been together for a year and a half now. We have lots of fun together doing new things and starting our own traditions. He is the most generous, caring, understanding, supportive, loving man I’ve been with. I, on the other hand, admittedly, have been selfish at times and less than willing to compromise my own personal goals for the sake of our relationship. Is it really worth it to be this ambitious?

Friends
I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am not an outgoing, uber-friendly people person. I have only a handful of people whom I respect, trust and feel close with. There’s ZingIT – I love the guys! We do fun stuff together like have regular home-cooked dinners, camping and trips to New York. There’s Jason, ex-boyfriend, current mutually platonic dinner pal, who is a good person to bounce ideas off of and enjoy everything from very fine to hole-in-the-wall cuisine. Then there are my HEY / ICA friends. Though we don’t see each other except for Christmas, these are the friends who truly get me and whom
I enjoy talking to because we have so much in common.

Money
Finances were tight last year! And they continue to be so. Owning a house brought some additional unexpected monthly expenses (Taxes! Association dues!) that cut severely into my savings plan. Sadly, there were months where I’ve lived scarily above my means. On the bright side, I’ve taken on a ton of freelance web work. The supplementary income is good, but the work is terribly tough on my wrists and my free time. I’ve also become a domain and web hosting reseller which has two benefits: 1) I get to keep all my personal web accounts under one plan for free while I pay a monthly reseller fee, and 2) I can sell hosting packages as another source of income.

Career
I know for certain that I don’t want to be doing web development and IT for the rest of my life. But what will I do next? Earlier last year I put my name out there as a  potential partner to spin off the gelato business. Though I lack experience in food service, I do have other qualifications and the support of some managers and partners. But is this really what I want to do? Ought I instead start a business on my own? I also considered growing in the consulting and training arm of the business. The same questions come up: though I can co-own a business, will I be willing to be accountable to a greater group apart from myself?

For the past few years, I have repeatedly turned down persistent offers to join my dad’s company. I’ve been subject to countless guilt trips from his staff. It never gets any easier to say no. Though the company is good and the work challenging, I know I will be unhappy living in the Philippines where everything is chaotic, there are very few people I can relate with and few activities I can engage in. Here I am not my father’s daughter. I can find my own place, make my own mark, be known for my own achievements. But constantly disappointing people back in the Philippines is the price I pay for my independence and happiness.

Passion
What I truly do enjoy, always have, still do and can confidently say I always will, are books. I’ve continued deeper into fiction, being more selective about which books I read — mostly classics and literature over the current bestsellers. I’ve also branched out to more non-fiction last year — reading business, finance and sociology titles.

I’ve been actively involved in teaching in my company. I teach two finance classes a month to employees. It’s been very rewarding. In the summer I will be delivering a talk on Open Book Finance at the Mensa Annual Gathering. I’m a bit nervous but I think it’s a great opportunity to establish my expertise.

I love building organizations. In the earlier half of the year I was somewhat active in Second Life, building an online community of people interested in historical frontier life in the late 1800′s. It was a very fun endeavor. I set up an administration with clear expectations and rules. I was firm about laying out responsibilities. They are now successful and self-sufficient with their own council as a ruling body. I hardly pop in anymore except to address the few issues that come up.

Health
My arms and wrists are shot. Carpal tunnel, cubital tunnel, ulnar nerve — whatever the diagnosis is, it’s not good for a career in front of a computer. I hope to wean myself off an IT lifestyle in the next few years to salvage whatever is left of my hands.

I’ve decided to go part-time vegetarian frankly because I have enough of seeing dead animals on plates. I’ve been eating meat sparingly but have yet to incorporate more greens to my diet.

I joined a “gym” across the street from my work. They do boot camp style workouts. I’ve gone twice so far and it really kicks your butt. 100 jump-ropes, 25 squats, 25 push-ups… 3 times over. And that’s just the warm-up! I’m sure in a few months I’ll look back at this and think, aww geez I was such a wimp. But for now, I am sore everywhere.

Attitude
In general, I feel pretty good about myself. I’ve found my groove so to speak. I prefer to focus on the good things so that I never feel bad about who I am and the choices I’ve made. I’d like to keep living with positive energy throughout the next year (and all my life really) since it really works!

Definite Goals for the Next 6 Months
1. Stabilize a source of supplementary passive income
Domain and Hosting Reseller:
– redesign my reseller site so it’s more user-friendly and professional
– advertise in local publications
Manage my investments closely:
– Evaluate my 401k portfolio
– Evaluate the stocks in my primary investment account portfolio
– Research 10 more potential stocks

2. Develop an expertise and reputation for Open Book Finance
– attend the Great Games of Business in May
– build a website dedicated to OBF
– read more OBF books and post on above website

3. Go to the Philippines in the summer/fall to help my family move into a new house

4. Keep in touch regularly with friends who are far away
- Email ICA friends, grad school friends
- Message friends on Facebook?
- Look up friends in the area when I travel

5. Blog every other day (to remind myself how good life can be and to practice my writing skills)

6. Integrate K more into my life
– Invite him to Christmas with my family
– Take him to visit my extended family when he’s in Michigan

For the past two weeks I spent in Manila and Singapore, I was treated to a lot of good food, fresh and delicious. Unfortunately, Asian cuisine is also rife with whole animals. Hong Kong roast pigeon with the head still attached, lechon or suckling pig spit-roasted over a charcoal fire, lobster picked live from the tank and boiled in a pot, whole steamed fish (the head’s supposedly the best part), grilled freshly-caught prawns not peeled and not deveined – all these are typical dishes one finds in restaurants. At Jocelyn’s wedding, they even served jellyfish and sea cucumber. I see these creatures on dives. Even after I put these delicasies in my mouth, I couldn’t get their images out of my mind. I almost gagged right there at the table.

Well, I’ve had enough of dead animals on plates! I’m going part-time vegetarian. Recognizing that I can’t go cold turkey (pun intended) on no meat, I vow to incorporate more vegetables into my meals and order vegetarian when I eat out. It will not only make me feel better about my food, it’ll make my body healthier too.

It started with the Pixie Dust. This fine sparkly powder is like lightly sprinkled caster sugar on the earth and crunches underfoot. The world shimmers at night. When I woke up this morning, it was Frosting. Everything is covered with a soft smooth layer of white fluffy snow. It’s the stuff that transform Christmas scenes from hectic to serene.

My five-year old point and shoot can’t do the vision justice.

And what’s that? Animal tracks! What could it be? A bunny?

I’ve always been a private person. The apt listener, the last person to volunteer information about herself at a party, who will offer an opinion only if asked. Instead of talking, I write. There are notebooks tucked away in nooks around the house, ensuring that should a thought come up that needs recording, there is always one within reach. A dozen filled ones hide in plain sight in a decorative box on the living room floor. My thoughts have always been my own refuge. This blog itself is a challenge to maintain. Putting my words out there for others to discover is frightening.

And now, a novel? A first draft of a novel. Novels have characters, settings and plot. But to find its voice, for a novel to be written, it needs a listener. Francine Prose explains that one of the obstacles of writing involves understanding narration.

“This hurdle disguises itself as the question of voice and who is telling the story (should the narrator be first or third person, close or omniscient?) when in fact the truly problematic question is: Who is listening? What occasion this is story being told, and why?”

For someone who is unaccustomed to being a talker, suffice to say, this project is more terrifying than it looks. Even if no one ever reads it, the whole exercise will be a test. Are my thoughts, the trove of wonders and experiences I’ve cherished since I became conscious of my own independence, worth consuming? Would they make sense if I attempt to put them down in a communicable format? Would they as valuable to others as they are to me? Does that matter?

In addition to writing for an audience, I am also learning to speak to an audience — my computer. To protect my hands from the 50,000-word mountain ahead, I’m using my speech recognition software to do the grunt work. Writing something so personal for others is awkward enough. Hearing it out loud feels silly.

Now that I’ve gotten that bit of anxiety out of the way, it’s time to suit up and get my game on. Never let it be said that I backed down from an opportunity to improve myself.

Persona #1: Used in public, at work, with friends, in meetings
I am articulate, sensitive, diplomatic. Listening to people of different cultures speak, I was amused by how much Americans insisted on using neutral language. I’ve since learned to say “I would be really great if…” instead of “do it” and “it’s not what I prefer” instead of “I don’t like it”. The de facto style for communicating ideas was through gentle delivery. My grandfather taught me this skill albeit through unconventional means (that will not be discussed at this time; it’s a very long story).

Persona #2: Used when talking to immediate family and close friends
I am direct, efficient, rational and I don’t mince words. When my friends ask for my input, I will give them a straight answer. They value the clarity and seriousness with which I discuss their problems. This trait I inherited from my father. Our conversations have always been objective, effectively detaching emotions from the topics at hand (yes, peculiar, but again another long story). It should be no surprise that I maxed out the T on the Myers-Briggs scale (zero in F, but don’t hate!). My secret is that I derive delicious pleasure in finding just the precise word to convey my meaning.

One of the challenges I must be more conscious of is inadvertently using the private tell-em-like-it-is persona in a public setting.

When I’m confronted with a problem, I want to fix it, and the synapses fire in my brain, energizing the calculating, logical thinker in me. Then as I begin to speak, the diplomatic filter comes on before the words come out of my mouth. Sometimes though, I forget myself. When that happens, I can usually tell by the shocked expression on the listener’s face. A friend who is now used to the straight-talker once said that when he first heard me speak frankly, it sounded “hostile.” I always mean well when I share my thoughts, though the choice of words, or rather the lack of embellishment of those words has the tendency to color the entire message in aggressiveness.

Earlier tonight, I was discussing a friend’s business proposal and said one innocuous (to me at the time) statement that offended him. I said that I “didn’t care for” half the company goals he was proposing. It was true. I really did not care for them, and since he was proposing them to me, they would’ve made terrible incentives. In hindsight, I could have phrased it better. Ah well.